We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
