1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
