Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
