This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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