those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
