I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
