my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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