I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
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If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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