I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
