dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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