my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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