You smell like stripper and shame
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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