Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
