I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I faked an abortion last night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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