Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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