cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
