Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
