thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
