Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
