I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
