everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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