Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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