I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
