Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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