I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
