Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize