Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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