Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
