last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
