Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
