i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
