well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
