you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
we should paint friendship bongs
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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