She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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