So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
