It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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