My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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