So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
