I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
