Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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