In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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