i just had sex bonerless
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
