True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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