i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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