my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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