so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
