I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
