theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
