I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
