i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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