I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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