____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
