did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
