someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
