Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
