i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
