and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize