If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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