If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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