I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
How's work?
Spinning.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
