dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
