she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
