and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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