i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
